


Please Love Me, Father

by nazangel



Series: Carry On Countdown 2019 [13]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Baz needs love, Carry On Countdown (Simon Snow), Carry On Countdown 2019, F/M, Family, Family Feels, Father-Daughter Relationship, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Love, M/M, Malcolm is trying, Mention of Suicide Attempt, Mordelia is lovely, Parent-Child Relationship, parental figures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:28:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21737617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nazangel/pseuds/nazangel
Summary: Baz and Malcolm have a talk then Mordelia and Malcolm also have a talk.
Relationships: Daphne Grimm/Malcolm Grimm, Malcolm Grimm & Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Carry On Countdown 2019 [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1554211
Comments: 10
Kudos: 90
Collections: Carry On Countdown 2019





	Please Love Me, Father

**Author's Note:**

> So I know I'm very very behind on the Count down prompts. I have three exams this week and after those are over I'm going to do my best to catch up.

**BAZ**

I will go in there. I will speak to Father. We will have a rational conversation.

I will not get angry. I will calmly get my point across. I will not get upset if the conversation doesn't go my way.

I will not cry.

I knock on the door of my Father's study.

"Come in,"

I go in and close the door behind me. As expected, my father is sitting at his desk, going through some papers.

There's a stack in front of him and I wonder if this is a bad time. But then I shake my head. My father's never turned away a conversation with me before. He's probably not going to do it now. My brain's just trying to come up with excuses.

He tilts his head to the side when he notices me. The twins get that from him.

"Basilton? What can I do for you?" he says putting aside his papers and lacing his hands together.

"I wanted to talk to you," I say as I sit in the chair in front of him.

"Talk away," he says, waving his hands a little

"Well-I uh I think I told you that I've been going to therapy," I say, "With Simon. And alone. Sometimes alone and sometimes with Simon,"

"You mentioned it, yes," he says and I can see him straightening a little, putting on his 'difficult conversation' face.

"At my last session, we talked about you,"

"Me?" he says, looking a little curious.

That's good. Curious is good.

"We, well- there's a lot of things we don't really talk about. And as much as I'd like to blame you it's my fault too. I never start those conversations. I always gloss over the topics. Too uncomfortable with the potential consequences,"

He watches me silently and when he doesn't say anything for a few minutes, I continue.

"We don't really talk about my vampirism and we don't talk about me being gay,"

It's almost like a curtain being shut. His face, open and curious before, suddenly goes a little dark.

"That face," I tell him quietly, "That face right there is the one you make whenever I bring it up and then I change the subject to books or to school or friends,"

"There's is no face, Basilton," said my father, "And-"

"But there is a face!" I say and now I'm standing up and moving behind the chair. I just can't sit anymore.

"I hate that I feel like I can't talk about these things with you,"

"I just don't understand what exactly there is to talk about," says my father and now he's standing too, coming to lean in front of the desk, "Simon comes with you whenever you visit and as for your vampirism-"

"Because I don't feel like you love me!" I yell

There's a deafening silence in the room. My father's staring at me like I've grown a second head and I have to shove my hands in my pockets to keep them from shaking.

"What?" he says softly still standing at the front of his desk.

"You heard me," I mutter, looking at my feet

"What-Baz- of course, I love you-" he says and now he's moving toward me, hand outstretched

"But not all of me!" I shout, my anger and hurt all exploding at once, making my father flinch back, "You don't love all of me. You love me _despite_ my being gay. You love me _despite_ my vampirism. And I hate that. I hate that there are parts of me that you can't find it in yourself to love! And _Merlin above_ , it _hurts,_ "

"Baz," my father whispers softly and helplessly

"I need you to love me, Father. I need you to love all of me, the way I am. Otherwise-god do you have any idea how painful it is? Knowing that you might _hate_ parts of me. It keeps me awake at night, it colours every part of my day,"

The pep talk I gave to myself has gone out of the window. I'm yelling, I'm upset and I'm definitely crying.

"I need to know you can love me, all of me, Father _please,_ "

My father looks at me, shakes his head and it feels like my whole world is crumbling. There's a tightening in my chest and I can hear a low whine through the ringing in my ears.

It takes me a few moments to realize that it's me.

**Malcolm**

In hindsight, shaking my head right after my son asks me to love him is probably _not_ a good idea.

_No shit, Sherlock._

That sounds oddly like Fiona.

As Basilton's face pales and he makes a choked sound, I step forward and cruse my habit of shaking my head.

"Basilton," I say softly when I'm within arms reach, "I'm going to touch you, okay?"

His eyes are glassy and I honestly don't think he can hear me. There are soft whimpers coming from him and he's shaking badly.

I wrap my arm around his shoulders and barely catch him as his legs give out. I lower him to the floor and tuck him close, the way I remember my brother doing for me after Natasha died.

"Hey, Baz," I say, trying to sound soothing, "I lovey you, okay? I love you so much. I love you. I love you,"

I keep saying it until his breathing calms down and his hands in my shirt loosen a little. There are still tears running down his cheeks, though, and looks moments away from panicking again.

I need to fix this.

I _will_ fix this. No matter what it takes. I will fix this.

**BAZ**

My father gently shushes me until I can breathe normally again.

It's a little odd to be hugged by him, we haven't done anything like that since before I reached his shoulders. But right now, his arms feel nice and it's so good to just lean on his shoulder.

Even if he doesn't love him completely.

And that makes the panic rise again.

"Hey, Baz," says my father, cutting through the chaos in my head, "Let's get you on the sofa,"

He leads me to the sofa at the back of the room. I expect him to let me go once we sit down but he surprises me by pulling him against his side and gently tucking my hair behind my ear.

"I really don't care that you're gay. I really don't. I was worried. I worried about how the rest of the coven would treat you. They all have some old fashioned ideas but I don't care about that anymore either. I love you and I know that you can take care of yourself,"

I nod against his shoulder.

"As for you being a vampire," he heaves a sigh and I feel myself tensing again.

"Shush," he says softly, "Look, Baz. I won't lie. Ever since a young age, we were taught to see vampires as, for lack of better words, _bad,"_

I nod again. I can't bring myself to say anything. Is this the part where he tells me he thinks vampires are monsters?

My father continues, "But ever since I realized that you had turned I've been trying to change my view and Baz, I will keep trying because you are my son and I do love you. All of you, even the part that drinks blood,"

I'm so stunned that I can't speak. My throat is closing up and I feel tears gathering in my eyes again.

This is more then I had expected.

My father pulls me close again, running a soothing hand through my hair.

"I'm so sorry, Baz," he says softly, "I'm sorry I didn't realize how much you needed to hear this,"

I nod again and he hugs me. It feels really nice. Warm and safe.

I like it.

We stay like that for a long time, I curled into his side, him gently rubbing my arm.

"I wanted to die," I finally whisper

"What?" asks my father, sounding half shocked and half scared

"That Christmas during my eighth year, I actually tried to act on it. Simon stopped me,"

"Baz, _why_?"

"Because I thought it would be better, easier for everybody. I thought that was how it was supposed to be. Mum killed herself when she realized she had been turned,"

I'm crying again, this time with loud sobs racking my body. Once again, my father lets me press my face into his shoulder and cry, running his fingers through my hair.

"Baz. When they told me your mum had died, I felt like my world was crumbling around me," his voice soft and when I look up his eyes are distant like he's lost in a memory.

"But then when they told me that you might die too," And now he's looking at me and there are tears in his eyes too, "When they told me I might lose you too, I thought I was going to die. There were so many nights when I just wanted to give up but then I remembered that there was a little boy in the next room who still needed me,"

We're both crying now, "And now I realize that I haven't done a great job being there. And from now that will change, okay? I will do whatever it takes to fix this. To make you realize how much you are loved, okay?"

"Okay," I whisper into his shoulder.

"You, know," he says, and there is some hesitation there, "If you wanted, I could come to therapy with you. A few times. But only if you think it would help,"

At the number of shocks I'm getting today, I might just have a heart attack.

"You would do that?" I ask

"For you, yes," he says and I throw myself against him, another wave of tears making me shudder

"Thank you," I whisper

"You don't have to thank me. I'm your Father, Basilton," he says, "It's my job to take care of you. And I hate that I've been lacking,"

We sit together for a while after that. My Father's arms around me are solid and eventually, I stop watching the time and just enjoy feeling the lightest I have felt in a long time.

The quiet is interrupted a little while later when my phone goes off.

My heart skips a beat when I see the caller ID. It's Simon.

"Simon?" asks my father, probably going off of the dopey look on my face.

"I can step out if you want to answer," he says, making to get up

"No, it's fine," I say, twisting my fingers into his sleeve. I'm not ready to let go yet.

He nods and sits back down.

"Hello, Snow," I say

_"Hi!" he says, "How are you? Did you talk to your dad yet?"_

"I'm well and yes I did,"

_"Really? How'd it go?"_

"It was good," I say, glancing sideways at my father

_"He's still there isn't he?"_

"Yup,"

_"Text?"_

"Okay."

I turn the phone off and my phone instantly pings and I look up at my father. He's pointedly looking at the window, away from my phone.

_'Hey, how'd it go?'_

_It was good. He told me he loved me._

_'That's great Baz. Did you clear everything you wanted to clear?'_

_Yeah_

_He said he'd go to therapy with me if I wanted._

_'Wow! That's great! Do you think you'll take him up on the offer,'_

_I don't know. But he offered, you know?_

_'That's amazing, Baz. I'm so happy for you,'_

_Me too_

We text for a little longer until Vera calls us for dinner. It will only be us tonight. Daphne and my siblings are having dinner with her parents.

"So, how's Simon?" asks my father

And this time I know it isn't just polite conversation so I answer the way I've always wanted to.

I tell him about how happy he makes me, how we're both adjusting and on our way to thriving. I talk to him about Simon's new job and my school and how Simon's started classes again. And how we now have a favourite cafe where we go for dates.

It's fun and it's nice.

**MALCOLM**

Daphne and the children come home late. She takes one look at Baz and me and gets a certain look on her eyes. The look that says she knows something happened but she's going to wait to ask and prod gently.

Bless that woman.

She tells us both good night and takes the children upstairs. Usually, I would go with her but today I stay with Baz.

Later, I say goodnight to him and head to bed. As I pass Mordelia's room, I see the light is still on.

I peek inside. She's flipping through one of the books Basilton brought her.

"Shouldn't you be asleep, young lady?"

She looks up from her book and smiles, "Hello Father. I was just reading a book. Want to see?"

"Why not?" I say and go to sit by her

As I listen to her explain the story, I can't help but remember a time where Basilton and I were that close too. When he would look at me with bright eyes and an open face.

I had ruined that.

Would I ruin it with my other children too?

"Father, are you okay?"

I looked down to see my daughter looking at with eyes filled with concern.

I smiled at her, "Of course, darling. I'm alright,"

Her brows furrowed, "Does it have to do with, Baz?"

I was a little surprised but then it made sense she would notice some things. The twins were only eight and while they too picked up on tension, they swept it away as normal 'adult problems'. Mordelia was older, though, she noticed things and keeping things from her probably wouldn't be a good idea.

"Yes, darling. Your brother and I had a bit of a talk today and we figured some things out,"

"Is Baz mad at you?"

"I wouldn't say he's mad darling, but he is hurt,"

"You hurt him," she says and she's looking at me with all the trust a young child can muster. It makes my heartache.

"Unfortunately, yes. I didn't mean to but sometimes adults make mistakes. Big mistakes and the consequences hurt others, sometimes even the people they love,"

"But you're fixing it, right?"

"Yes," I assure her, "I'm going to do my best to fix it,"

"Good," she says

There's a lull in our conversation and I consider the pros and cons of continuing the conversation.

In the end, I decide to say something.

"Mordelia,"

"Yes?"

"I want you to promise me something?"

"What is it," she asks

"As I said, adults can sometimes hurt other people's feelings and sometimes these other people are their own children. If I say something or do something that hurts your feelings I want you to come to me and tell me and I promise I will listen,"

She looks thoughtful for a few moments and then nods, "Okay, Father,"

"Good girl," I say, smoothing her hair down.

"Hug?" she asks, opening her arms a little

I smile and lean forward to take her in my arms.

"Alright," I say once she pulls away, "Why don't you finish the rest of the book tomorrow. I think it's time you went to sleep,"

She smiles and lays down. I take the covers and tuck her in, leaving a gentle kiss on her forehead.

"Good night Darling,"

"Good night Father,"

I turn off the light and click the door shut behind me.

Daphne still dressed, is waiting for me at the small table in our room.

"Good?" she asks handing me a glass of water.

"Good," I say.

"Tell me," she says

So I do.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed!


End file.
